My twins are 3 months old today.
I am wondering if there will ever be a time when I can look back at the day they were born and not feel panic.
I have not "officially" documented their birth on this blog. I wrote about it in my journal, but have not been ready to share my feelings about that day....until today.
When I was talking to my Mom this morning, I shared with her some of my intense feelings of panic and anxiety about the day the twins were born. I feel slightly like I have post-traumatic stress syndrome from that day. I asked Mom how I can possibly get over these feelings. She suggested that I focus on the things that I am THANKFUL for - thankful for the outcome of that day. I want to be able to tell the twins about the day they were born and not feel like I am about to hyperventilate. So here it goes - my experiment in thankfulness instead of panic.
This story of Gratitude starts on August 18th, a Tuesday. I played up in Sandy with long-time high school friends for the morning. Then I chilled at Mom's house for the rest of the afternoon. I am THANKFUL for my Mom to take care of me and my 3 kids during, what would be, my last day with 3 kids! That night I didn't sleep very well. I was up most of the night feeling uncomfortable - which was like most of my "pregnant with twins" nights.
When I woke up in the morning, I was so uncomfortable that I got right in the bath to ease my pain. I stayed there for an hour just sobbing because I was worried I was having contractions. I am THANKFUL for a big tub - where I spent most of my pregnancy! Josh convinced me to get out of the tub so we could go to the hospital. I am THANKFUL for a husband that can handle my emotions. I called my "BFF" Lacie in tears. Lacie dropped everything and came running home from being out running errands to be there for me. She came ripping on to our street and came running up to give me a big hug. Having the big heart that she does, she shed tears with me. She said she would take the kids so we could go to the hospital. I am THANKFUL for Lacie's good friendship and sisterhood. I can't think about this day without thinking about how awesome Lacie was when I needed her. I hope to return the favor someday! (Looking back, I regret not taking more time to say goodbye to the kids. I think this is the reason for most of Thomas' issues. But I realize I need to let this go, and that I can't do anything about it now.)
The rest of this, I am going to just share from my journal and remind myself of the things I am thankful for. I cried the whole way to the hospital. I was so scared. I was nervous. I wasn't sure if I was really in labor, and if I was ready for the babies to come. It was still early! When we got to the hospital, we were quickly admitted. I am THANKFUL for attentive admitting nurses who could sense I was terrified. I changed into a gown, and the nurses came in and attached monitors and found both heartbeats. They were fine. I am THANKFUL for modern technology with equipment to monitor these things. The nurse checked me and I was almost a 5! Yikes! I started sobbing all over again. The babies were coming today. Josh was on the phone with my mom, his mom, Lacie and Kristin. I am THANKFUL for Kristin who got into my house and brought our camera to the hospital. You cannot have babies and not document it!
I asked for my Dad at the exact same moment he had texted Josh to see if I needed a blessing. (Keep in mind this only brought more tears.) I was so grateful to have my Dad so close! Sometimes you just need your Daddy. I am THANKFUL for my Dad. Josh and Dad were able to give me a blessing right before the anesthesiologist came in. I am THANKFUL for the priesthood and the peace it brings. Dr. Berry came in as well, and I was relieved that he was there. I am THANKFUL for Dr. Berry and the great doctor he is. Dr. Eunice (the anesthesiologist decided to do a spinal instead of an epidural because it would be effective faster. I am THANKFUL for pain free births. I was wheeled off to the OR. I was terrified.
When I go to the OR, Dr. Berry was scrubbed and ready. Dr. Eunice gave me the spinal. He had me lay on my side to give the shot. It worked right away. I couldn't even roll back over! I am THANKFUL for a knowledgeable Dr. to administer these strong drugs. So much could have gone wrong. The nurse cleaned my tummy for the c-section. (They did an ultrasound earlier and determined that Jace was still sitting in my pelvis and wouldn't budge.) I am THANKFUL for ultrasounds. If they couldn't have seen the babies positions, Jace, Sophie or I might not have made it through the process. Dr. Berry and Dr. Reese pulled up the sheet and began.
Josh was so great through this whole thing. He was right by my side the whole time holding my hand, stroking my face, smiling at me - just doing whatever I needed. It was comforting to have him there to take care of me. I am THANKFUL for Josh. He is an amazing, strong man to have endured this day. Mom did make it there before they wheeled me off, but they wouldn't let her in the OR. She waited until the babies came out and was able to be with the babies, so Josh could go back and forth between me and the babies. Once again, I am THANKFUL for my Mom. She is a trooper. I don't know what I would have done with out her!
Once the sheet was up, it was only a matter of minutes before I saw Jace's little face - Dr. Berry showed me around the curtain. That was 11:25 am. I am THANKFUL for Jace. Sophie came at 11:28 am, and I thought she looked alot like Bella. I am THANKFUL for Sophie.
The next 20 minutes or so was spent with me just laying there while they stitched me up. I felt all sorts of weird things. I felt so nauseous at one point that I was trying to throw up. Dr. Eunice was putting all kinds of meds in my IV to counteract everything I was feeling. I am THANKFUL for an attentive doctor, who listened to all my concerns and tried to make me the most comfortable.
The next 20-24 days, the babies were in the NICU. I am THANKFUL for all the nurses and doctors that took care of me and my babies. I am THANKFUL for all the monitors and feeding tubes that helped us know what Jace and Sophie needed. I am THANKFUL for oxygen tubes, billi lights, and Zaky hands. I am THANKFUL for friends and family that took care of me and my family while we tried to take care of our preemie twins.
Today, I am THANKFUL for Jace and Sophie. They are alert, vibrant babies. I am THANKFUL that Jace's single umbilical artery did not affect his growth. I am THANKFUL that Sophie's enlarged ventricles in her brain were not permanent. I am THANKFUL that Sophie's birthmark is starting to get smaller and heal. I am THANKFUL for our health.
I am THANKFUL for Kaley, and all she does to help. I am THANKFUL for Thomas, and the good big brother he is. I am THANKFUL for Bella, who helps me smile and love life every day. I am THANKFUL for Josh - always THANKFUL.
I realize that so many things could have gone bad that day. I know that it was a tough day, but know that I got 2 great gifts from it! I am THANKFUL to my Heavenly Father for entrusting me with 5 of his choice children. I am THANKFUL for my Savior, who allows me to grow and repent for my shortcomings. I am THANKFUL for the Gospel and the anchor that it is in my life. I know that this life is meant to be a challenge and a test. I am THANKFUL for my challenges and trials. I feel like the past three months have been a great trial and blessing, and I am THANKFUL for it!
Happy Thanksgiving!
5 years ago today . . . we were first time parents, welcoming Kaley Lynn Cox to this world! She came in at 7 lbs 5 oz and was 19 inches long. We were instantly in love!
My favorite picture of Kaley in the hospital
Bringing our baby home on a snowy day, scared out of our minds!
Santa's little baby
Our Christmas present
Our first Christmas card picture
One year old
Two years old
Three years old
Four years old
Just the other day, at 5 years old
